Retro Horror Review: ‘Rare Exports’ Santa Claus Meets ‘The Thing’, in this Charming Holiday Horror

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is now streaming on for free on SHUDDER. Reader Beware Spoilers!

What makes a Christmas movie? Is it Santa Claus or Reindeer, perhaps even elves? Now make Santa a mythic monster that feeds on children, kill all the reindeer and make the elves child kidnapping older men, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a Christmas horror movie. With Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, now streaming on SHUDDER, Finnish writer and director Jalmari Helander twists the Legend of Saint Nick that feels like it should be set in “Outpost 31” more so than the North Pole. 

With 24 days left until Christmas, a research team taking samples has made a discovery. Deep within an ominous-looking mountain, they’ve discovered a grave, but not just any grave, for here lies Santa Claus encased in an icy tomb by the Sami tribe long ago, the real one. So, they blow it up and remove the giant from his slumber as one is apt to do. No one on the research team has watched The Thing, apparently.

Pietari (Onni Tommila) and his father Rauno (Jorma Tommila) live on a reindeer ranch under the mountain’s shadow. Each winter, they round up the deer and live off the meat they don’t sell to keep their operation afloat. Due to the blasting, or so they think, their haul this year is nothing as the population has scattered. When the town men go to confront the American team, they discover something horrendous. The whole herd has been slaughtered, and the drillers have abandoned their post, or worse, leaving an enormous crater in their wake that seems like it goes on forever. Whatever they unearthed was massive.

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As children go missing, buildings vandalized, and strange footprints seen in the snow, it’s Pietari’s research that shows that this is the work of Santa and not one from the Christmas carols. But one who tortures and feeds off naughty children. When a naked stranger’s body turns up in a wolf trap, presumably dead, the town begins to suspect that something sinister is going on. Those notions are confirmed when the body, played by Peeter Jakobi, begins to react to the presence of young Pietari and rises from the slab. 

With no other recourse, the group contacts the research group and offers a trade, their payback for the years losses for Chris Kringle. But what they discover at the drop-off will send them into a fight, not just for this Christmas but in the hope that they’ll live to see next year as well. 

As odd as it may sound on paper, this is an exceptional horror movie. Rare Exports manages to have an insanely silly premise but orchestrate it with all the sincerity and craftsmanship of any tentpole franchise series. Beautiful cinematography, production design, and special effects make it hard to take your eyes from the screen. Some extraordinary set pieces make you scratch your head about why this isn’t more beloved among genre fans. 

Onni Tommila as Pietari is pitch-perfect in this role. With the movie resting on his shoulders, his performance is naturalistic as a curious young boy trying to please his stern father. The emotional scenes he and Jorma Tommila share at the breakfast table break your heart as the boy wants to know if he’s been good. As his father, he’s torn between stepping into the motherly role for his son or keeping pushing him to be a man. His arc in the testosterone-filled environment Pietari dwells in feels genuine and not shoehorned in like you tend to see with similar film troupes. Being actual father and son in real life is apparent as their dynamic is flawless.

As much as I adore this movie, I feel missed opportunities. Sure, seeing a pack of hungry (very naked) “elves” chasing down a helicopter carrying bagged children is disturbing enough, but I wish we had gotten a chance to see the big man himself in all his glory at least once.

We get glimpses as the ice thaws, but that would have been something. Also, despite the amount of time we focus on with them, there is no explanation for why they are looking for Santa in the first place. Even a short scene would have quenched the curiosity, but maybe it’s supposed to be mysterious. Why do billionaires dig up mountains or go to space? Who can say? 

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is one of those hidden gems I’m happy to have discovered. Its dark humor, horror, and twisted Holiday spirit make it a delightful watch. By dismissing the “Coca-Cola” version of Santa to favor the Finnish Myth of a crueler figure hellbent on punishing the naughty, director Jalmari Helander has made a film that is sure to grow any horror fans’ heart three times bigger this Christmas. Just make sure you stay off the naughty list! 4/5

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is now streaming on SHUDDER. Let us know what you think about this throwback Christmas horror in the comments below. Be sure to follow ScaryNerd for all things horror, sci-fi and more.

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